Impact on Children
If you have children it is important to consider the impact of the break-up on them. Numerous studies show that the way the relationship break-up is handled by the parents plays the main part in both short and long term effects on children. How a child behaves during and after a divorce also depends on the age and gender of the child, how difficult the divorce, the maturity of the children and their existing relationship with parents.
Parents often fear divorcing or separating because of the impact it may have on their children. However, the long term impact for a child of witnessing a dysfunctional or abusive relationship can be more severe than that of a divorce or separation.
What are the main responses of a child to separation or divorce?
The effects of a break-up can take some time to appear in children. They may not process their feelings for some time or may not understand or believe what is happening.
Common behaviours depending on the age of children involved can often include:
Angry and Defiant Responses
Impulsive and impatient behaviour
Anger at others
Oppositional, rebellious, defiant, or conduct problems
Breaking rules and testing limits
Anger at self
Early or increased sexual activity
Violent thoughts or behaviour
Guilty Responses
Destructive behaviour
Self-blame or guilt
Self-destructive or self-harming behaviour
Superficially positive behaviour
Despondent Responses
Drug or alcohol use
Apathy, depression or failure to accept responsibility
Isolation and withdrawal
Suicidal thoughts or behaviour
What will the impact be on my children and family?
Children will always experience grief when their parents divorce and you need to minimise the impact on them as much as possible. You can reduce the impact on children by ensuring good, continuing communication and honest responses to questions.
How will my children feel or react?
Children are most afraid of being separated from one parent, will feel loss and lost because their place in the family has changed. The majority of children talk about and even plot to get their parents back together.
- Some children may hide or deny their own feelings and so should be encouraged and allowed to express their feelings and frustrations too.
- Some children feel guilty - they may think if they had been better behaved or cleverer at school this would not have happened. Taking on responsibility for their parent's divorce is a heavy load to carry. Ensure children are reassured and released of any guilt.
- Some children feel divided loyalties which lead to confusion and further guilt. Reassure them that you both feel it is important to still see and care for both parents equally.
- Parents should never criticise an ex-partner in front of their child. It can be tempting, but is very unfair. Children know they are part of both parents and they may feel they are as 'bad' as the 'ex' is. Never say in anger 'you are just like your father/mother'. A child may associate that with your rejection of each other and feel they are also going to be rejected by you.
- Some children bottle everything up and show no apparent emotion on the outside. This child is likely to need help to express their feelings possibly through counselling or therapeutic intervention, otherwise may later show signs of depression.
- Some young children regress to even younger years emotionally - bed-wetting, thumb-sucking , difficult behaviour, sleeplessness and tantrums may all re-appear and are signs of worry and insecurity.
- Children between six and nine are very vulnerable. They are still very dependent on the security of mummy and daddy. They frequently react with anger, lack concentration or experience problems at school. It is important to address difficulties straight away to avoid more deep seated problems later.
- Some older children may express a preference for which parent they would like to live with, others may continue to be torn apart by the decision. They may react to the divorce with anger, grief or depression and it is common for behaviour to become more challenging and for performance at school to deteriorate. It will be important to consider counselling or family therapy together with individual therapy in order to help children to accept the situation. There is help for teenagers including 24/7 helplines and web sites such as There For Me and Divorceaid.
You can find information on the impact of divorce on children here.