Addressing Domestic Abuse

Being able to deal with domestic violence is a process of relearning and refocusing on what you need from the relationship and your life. You will not be able to force someone to change their violent ways unless they want to. The one thing you do have control of is how you respond to your partner and this can be the first step in making a change in the relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship then you have two choices - stay and try to change the behaviour or choose to leave. There is no right or wrong. However, physical abuse is often part of deeper abuse pattern which may have undermined your confidence, self esteem and sense of judgement. What you may have found reprehensible before the relationship you suddenly find yourself accepting and the prospect of walking away fills you with dread.

If you have children, remember it is not just an adult who is affected. Children can be seriously damaged - through being physically abused themselves, injured trying to intervene or developing long term psychological problems and stress related illnesses such as loss of confidence, anger and guilt through witnessing abuse

So how do you cope with physical abuse?

• Prioritise your safety and that of your children. As much as you may be ashamed of what is happening, if you can let someone outside know you or your family are being abused then you will be able to get help. Don't be afraid to call the police - they now take a firm stance against domestic violence. You may worry that seeking help means your children will be taken into care. This is very rare and only happens in the most serious cases.
• Set your boundaries for staying. If you want to stay in the relationship but on your terms then set your boundaries and say them out loud to yourself. Write them down so you can refer back to them. Make your partner aware of them and stick to what you have said. If you are afraid for your safety, then leave.
• Get help for yourself. Make sure any injuries are recorded. Show them to your GP, who may also be able to refer you for counselling. This can provide coping mechanisms and help with your self confidence.
• Get help for your partner. If they indicate they want help to deal with the violence then you can find help at Respect.
• Make plans. If you want to get out then make plans for when you have the strength to leave. Set up a separate bank account; pass important papers to a trusted friend so if you do build up the courage to leave you have the means to do it. You may need to be very careful to cover your tracks if you are planning to escape without warning. You can get help with safety planning from the support agencies listed below.
• Know you are not alone. There are many organisations that can offer help and support to people suffering from physical abuse such as Woman's Aid and Refuge.

Domestic Violence Helplines

The following helplines can offer practical help and advice including:

• emergency refuge accomodation
• safety planning and advice

English National Domestic Violence Helpline is a freephone 24 hour domestic violence helpline run in partnership between Refuge and Women's Aid

English National Domestic Violence Helpline - 0808 8000 247

Wales Domestic Violence Helpline - 0808 80 10 800

If you are a man experiencing domestic violence or you want to call on behalf of a male friend or relative, you can contact the M.A.L.E. Advice & Enquiry Line

M.A.L.E. Advice & Enquiry Line - 0845 064 6800

There is also useful information to be found for adults and children from the NSPCC . The Hideout is a website to support children and young people living with domestic violence.

Always dial 999 and ask for support from the police in an emergency.