By Francisco - 29 October 2011 23:55:02
Im coming 25 years old. I've many friends yet would still consider myself a loner. Id say the majority of the time, im suffering a lack of confidence and some other sirts of issues that i can't quite put my finger on, now can I understand where these feelings have developed from. I've been to a councillor and found her very, very, very unhelpful. I went to another but lied about my real issues, i find it almost impossible to open up. Plus the fact i can't exactly afford to keep seeing these people. I was at the doctors last year and he offered me tablets...I don't want tablets. I just want to feel normal, to feel happy. Not to feel ugly. To be thin. To feel useless. To be lonely. To lack confidence. But how? How do i stop the rot?
I've tried on numerous occassions to get out of the dark hole i often find myself in, only to find myself right back in it worse than before...Recently i met a young lady..online but through a friend...she was 4-5 years older. I don't have much luck with women and really its all i want, a nice woman and a nice family..but with little confidence its never easy and often when i do get to a point in a relationship with a woman, it ends or turns sour....
Anyway, i met this girl around June, couldnt believe my luck, she was (is) gorgeous...We met, got on well, things going great then she started to act strange. I backed off. I recieved excuses about why we stopped meeting...then suddenly we met again a couple of times, things still weird though...Anyway, I never persued the weird behaviours of this girl, instead i sat around on my lonesome and let it "do my head in"...Eventually i tried to move forward (let her text or call when it suited her) i'd only started to take these small steps, 3 weeks ago when my mum got very ill and has since died (last sunday) during the 3 weeks my mum was ill, my friend at work, died while i was off, the girl i liked that i spoke of, was all nicey nice and chattier than usual (sorry she was just a little chattier, still only text when it suited her) but she met up with me...Anyway, the day after i told her my mum wasnt going to wake up, all she was interested in, was restricting my viewing of her facebook, so i couldnt see she'd changed her status to in a relationship....yea she started to see someone else after seemingly stringing me along for ages... (i dont even know how long). I havent even been told by her shes in a relationship, i found it out through a 3rd party without even having to tell anyone i know...and well i know 100% now. Thing is, she still texts the odd time, asking how i am, she still talks to me on facebook chat...And i havent mentioned anything about why i havent seen her lately or anything yet its all really bothering me. I cant watch dvds, filsm, tv, nothing i cant relax.
This passed month - 3 weeks has been hellish
my mums passed away
my "girlfriend" or whatever she was has seemingly betrayed me and knows it otherwise she wouldnt worry about my feelings - restricting my facebook viewing...
my friend in work has also passed away
I just feel i can no longer cope. I dont feel like going out. I dont feel like getting up. I certainly don't feel like going back to work on Monday!
I feel used. I feel hurt. i feel betrayed. I feel like my mum's be stolen from me. I feel ugly. I lack energy. I lack every essential ingredient i feel that i need to live.
If im honest, i'd much rather be dead. Im in a dead on job, which i now lack interest in, even more than i did a month ago...
I really wish i was dead and off the face of the earth for good.
By TaraMaiden - 30 October 2011 08:47:11
You do need counselling.
You need bereavement counselling, and you need to speak to a professional.
Your first port of call, you could do a lot worse than ring The Samaritans.
These people are incredible, and have more often than not, also experienced great deep wells of despair they thought they'd never be able to climb out of.
If you're online, you can contact them.
Please - help yourself, do yourself a huge favour and start your way back up.
It will be hard, you will have to work at it, and you will have slip-ups.
Depression - which is where you are at - is an insidious, nasty emotion which ties you down and prevents you from moving.
You need to think like a gardener, cut it out, destroy it, weed it out and eliminate it.
But it takes work.
And you have to get to it.
But you MUST be honest with people, and you must be frank and open.
But this isn't for the benefit of others:
This is the favour you owe yourself.
If you cannot give yourself the gift of honesty, then you are denying yourself the opportunity to move on, and grow, and be well.
Please - call them. They will help you.
And more importantly, they will help you to help yourself.
Because every Samaritan you talk to, will know you're worth so much more than this.