The last straw
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By Abbey - 17 February 2011 02:43:20
I have found out that my husband has been using MY laptop to search porn websites. Now before you reply by saying that it's not such a bad thing and that I should cut him some slack I would like to fill you in on a few things........

First I'm gonna give you some back ground info on my husband.......he used to be a drug addict and a very heavy drinker (he still takes a drink but not as much). Now your probably saying to yourself 'relax it's only porn, it's not as if he cheated on you' and I would agree with you as I really don't have an issue with porn. What I DO have an issue with is that I know the tell tale signs of my husband taking drugs and watching porn is one of them as he NEVER watches it sober.

When I have been working late and come home I have had my suspicions that he's been up to something. However when I've asked him if he has touched drugs he's promised me that all he had was a few drinks and I, like a fool, believed him. But now that I have found THIS out I feel like such an idiot and feel that he has lied to me for I don't know how long.

I'm in a dilemma and don't know what to do and to top it all I am pregnant and could really do without this stress [V]

p.s. he also 'claims' to be attending meetings about his addiction but I just feel he's fibbing about this too!!!

By lesliec1 - 17 February 2011 16:34:21
I think you need to sit down with him and explain your concerns to him. I don't mean throw accusations at him, I mean pointing out the facts, which as far as I can see are:

1. When he did drugs before he looked at porn
2. He has been looking at porn again

You have taken 1+2 and made 3 - if he's looking at porn he must be doing drugs, but from what you've said that doesn't sit right - unless EVERY time previously that he looked at porn he had taken drugs?

You have every right to be suspicious of him, but equally he has a right to offer an explanation. At the moment to me it seems like you're jumping to a big conclusion without any actual evidence to back it up?

I'm not belittling your fears here, and it's definitely something that you need to resolve sooner rather than later. Keep posting and let us know what happens.

By rubejo - 17 February 2011 19:40:31
Hmm...Leslie is right, you need to have chat esp as you are going to be parents and this unborm child deserves to be born into a safe secure environment.

So he won't mind supplying you with a pee sample then would he?

Watch the sweat dribble down his forehead, he's guilty. No sweat? Benefit of the doubt!

But come on...really? Is he THAT stupid that he'd use your laptop? Or do you think he'd been so high that he didn't care?

Look write your fears down, formulate your questions and then sit down and voice them. You owe it to yourself and your unborn child.

Let us know how you're getting on.

By Abbey - 18 February 2011 03:56:51
Thank you soooo much for your advice.

Thought I should also advise you that I actually moved from the UK to the US for my husband so this is my outlet for some homely advice [8)]

I wish I had good news for you but it seems that my suspicions were correct [Sad] I have come home from work to find him high on drugs....

I tried to speak to him and of course ended up shouting instead of talking. I told him he has lost my trust because he did not keep the promise he made to me last time claiming that he was finished with drugs and that he would attend addiction meetings (which I don't actually think he has been attending).

As I speak I'm sitting here with a broken heart crying my eyes out. Now I have a VERY serious decision to I stay or do I go????

By rubejo - 19 February 2011 01:00:59
Oh my friend I am so sorry. I was trying to put a positive spin on it but perhaps I was a little too ambitious. Giving the benefit of the doubt was indeed a mistake.

Do you have anywhere to go?

When you say leave do you mean come back home or manage to stay in the US? You have a job there don't you? So at least you have an income. Can you afford to rent some place?

I know I'm asking lots of questions I just want you to not knee jerk react, think things through, devise a plan and do it.

Well girl I wish you the best and am so sorry that it's come to this. It's heartbreaking, soul destroying and sad, very sad that the very person you loved, adored and trusted has let you down so badly. There really isn't a way to do any of this easily. Such a shame.

Keep posting on here to help work your way through things. It can help.

Let me know what you've decided.


By Abbey - 27 February 2011 04:34:58
My Friend Rebejo,

I have been trying to put a positive spin on things for the past few years but as always I keep getting let down.

Everytime it happens I always hear how sorry he is and that he's going to change.....if only he would practice what he preaches! This time he has told me that our child is just what he needs to stop him from doing this but my concern is do I want to put me and my unborn child through this stress for the next 7 mths?? To be honest I probably am willing to stick around and see if he is telling the truth this time. However I will be giving him an ultimatum.....first sign of drugs and you lose me and our child.....sometimes you need to give tough love and I think this is the time where it is needed!!

Thankfully if things get really bad then I have friends that will put me up. If I deceide to leave it will be to come back to the UK as although I have a job here......once the baby comes I don't make enough to look after a baby, pay rent, bills, food, babysitting etc.

I would like to thank you so much for your support. It has meant a lot to me and I will be forever grateful [Smile]
By rubejo - 27 February 2011 14:34:55
It sounds like a plan.

You perhaps could do with putting some money aside in case the worst case scenario happens and if it doesn't well you can use it on your lovely baby.

However I do think he's telling you, once again, exactly what you want to hear and to be honest I am incredibly wary of anything he says to you.

The last thing I wanted for you was to feel trapped, I can't imagine anything worse hence all the questions.

You've obviously thought things through which is really great. Stick to it now. As this is your first child your priority is for the unborn child rather than your partner simply because he is an adult and can make his own decisions whereas a baby is totally dependent on you.

I worry that if he feels neglected in any way after the baby is born he will find comfort elsewhere...meaning his drugs/porn/anything really. It's just a thought.

Bringing a baby into the mix will put a lot of strain on your already strained relationship so if you think you can get it back on an even keel until the baby is born go for it.

Good luck with absolutely everything and let me know how you're getting on. Even if it's just to find out how things are from 'back home'.

Want a laugh? Went to the petrol station to fill the car 75.63! We have a VW Passat which is an executive car. Anyway due to the fact that my petrol cap is on the left and every blasted pump was free apart from the left hand side ones I turned the car around and backed up to it. Boy was I in trouble alarms and all sorts went off and then the lady told me off for facing the wrong way and could I do it properly next time. I promised to exit the petrol station correctly...and I did. The thing is I didn't even realise the alarm was for me! Just carried on, as you do... But
75.63 to fill a tank! Laughable aint it!

Keep in touch.